Sitting unbuckled in backseat of GrandMary's car I rolled back and forth across the seat due to her husband's wild UK driving, giggling as he yelled, "idiots" . I asked, " why are the songs on the radio about love and not kittens?" .. Grand Mary answered laughing, "Because" ..
When asked by my mum where I learned to swear I said, " Uncle Bill", she nodded as if she already knew, " well then girl you need not repeat a word simply because you hear it", skipping away I yelled, " yes mum". I had much better things to focus on, I had dreamed an entire musical play.
Love is old love is new:
When I was a little girl I had music dreams all the time, I would wake remembering it all setting out to perform for my only audience the baby kittens, placing them in the old red wagon we used to buy groceries the replay would begin.
Movement is soft light The music and singing played inside our energy of love .so many there in the sounds of music joy to share the music dream state.
I would volunteer to clean the kindergarten rooms on my lunch break and the principal agreed because it meant he could keep his eye on me, and guaranteed I would not be fighting in the playground . I did not care their reasons I was joyful to be able to play the records and dancing as I cleaned up the toys, I did not mind I was in a meditative state of music notes. I was in the fifth grade and my once short hair grew out even curlier reddish blonde with each morning my mum gently combing out the sleep tangled mess, reminding me, " these curls are a part of your family history, do not let others make you feel less girl, rejoice in your Blessings" , as she kissed the top of my head, " there now, try and be good, no fighting", I turned looking up into her sky blue eyes that did not match mine and smiled showing my huge teeth, " yes mum I am a happiness almost every day " , and it was near true. I never told my mum it was to her defense I fought as not sour word would go against her in my presence unchallenged, never was there such a good woman and I would fight the devil if he dared. I rested by head against her, if only no more badness days would come, I had grown used to the hunger but the pain on my mum's face trying to feed her six children was poorly hidden.
Love is free, and I hugged her tightly to me as if my child's soul could keep us all safe, pulling away to find then kiss the kittens awake to the new day .
I had dreamed a musical play and sang it out loud to the kittens who sat in the wagon looking at me, and I heard the school bus arriving down the dirt road of our rock gravel street, I kissed the baby kittens and let them run to play , I ran for the bus stop. The door swung open and I climbed up the three huge steps, mine was the last stop and the bus was full and I made my way to the last seat, the kids looking up at me, too afraid to say a word because they knew I would seek them down. I did not care that I was judged unfit intrusive in their perfect ideals of a full stomach safety life, I did not hate but I would not let a word against my family go unnoticed. By the fifth grade they understood to just leave me alone, and our quiet peace had the remembrance of the suitcases full of mud, and many fights in the playground. I looked out the window seat of the bus as the music from my dream played out again in my thoughts, I did not know that not everyone saw the notes play out.
Valentine's Day :
I was the poor kid in my class and the teacher put me in the back row, I always thought it was because of my, " ruining her vision of her perfect student group of upper middle class well fed kids." I was never asked to join in and my valentines box would always remain empty, although my mum insisted I give each kid one, saying, " it's not their ungenerous mood I am concerned with girl, you will learn to give even when you know you will not receive, this is your lesson ", I thought of her words as I placed the cards in each colorful decorated red box. I knew the lunch break would soon arrive and I could listen to the sounds of music making this ritual of cards drift away. I wore a red sweater with a black kitty cat right above the area of my upper right heart chamber, it was soft and elegant, Grand Mary had given it to me for this day, it was once hers and felt brand new, " a red hair should not wear the same but it looks good on you girl, you wear this on the love day at school", she slipped me some chocolates that I crammed in my mouth as not to let my mum find what I was not supposed to have, I hugged my thanks to the one person who saw me and loved me anyways. I wore a dark grey skirt with my old red tore up Keds, with skinned up knees from baseball, I wore a pair of play shorts under my dresses because I like to play without regard, my mum knew to teach me about modesty. I thought about my mum's idea of life lessons and sighed, perhaps she was right?
Dream State: Let go and let love ...
The day had been long as I drove home I thought of the typical worries we all carry each day, I thought , " this is no life for a person like me", it was late lateness as I saw the zombies who stumble the dark alleys of downtown Los Angeles, they had empty eyes, and a lowered stance as if life had once broken them in half, healing like that, I prayed for each one I passed on the way. How could so much potential just turn inward? But of course I knew, something had broken their spirit and apparently they had no one to help them find a healing grounding new life. I prayed to Jesus, " protect them give them the thought of another life recourse, help them see that they can love themselves and it be enough until another joins their adventure" I thought, " kids must be taught the joy in this life is found inside the love of their light inside their souls" , in this I pray .
I entered my apartment pulling off my nurses uniform, as Sparky wrapped his front paws around my right calf , " ok Sparky I need a bath first, hospital a germy place", I ran the water and caught my image in the mirror, big eyes looking sad. I ran to bed after the bath jumping inside the covers, thinking . " this day Lord", and drifted immediately away.
I was standing in the grey with my head down, hands held in front as if in prayer I said , " this life is so hard I am so alone". the room became soft white movement of white white echoes of grey as the music started I felt the energy of many souls enter to dance to the songs playing in my head. Synergy of the notes to unite forming sound .... As if the notes had a life force all their own. that night they shared
The room became softer with each one that entered, and I only saw the light shadows of each soul dancer against the backdrop of white , now being mixed with soft colors of purple, red, soft green. I thought of a Christmas light wheel that throws colors against my silver Christmas tree.
Then I just .....
let the music play in my head as we danced and sang along in our minds feeling connected in joy, love as each Beatles song DJ's in unison as we saw the notes seconds before they were played, feeling happy on such a level and safe as if this world was the only one that really mattered. I woke with healing love energy. "It's alright " sang so many Beatles songs that night ... Knew all the words. I knew all the correct lyrics There were many people there as we danced and sang in our minds
It's Alright : A soft voice whispered inside my head , "The Lord heals us in his own time when are ready to open up to receive the light . Bonnie girl" Here comes the sun....