I woke pulling my eye lids open and thought for a moment," that's right you glued your dam eyes together with your new eyelash glue" and I panicked then stopped as I pulled my eyes open by shear force. I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and they hardened there, I sighed, " these bad sad feelings will surely make you dead ", as I pulled off the pink comforter shrugging into my lace robe, as usual my cat Sparky made a quick mad dash in front of my feet, I near fell to the ground.
Then there is coffee and some how it's all good again.
More is less so very often:
He wanted to be larger than life to impress everyone he believed was better than him but all I saw was the person. He didn’t see in himself what I saw ,he was so sure boasting was the way to win. I became lost in his need to be everything to everyone he stopped seeing me. It went from there.
The Poor Kids Grown:
Sometimes when poor kids grow up we become all that we thought we saw but didn’t have running after all the shiny things. If we are lucky the Lord will redirect us towards the true meaning inside of us. The Lord's promise we need to value that and hold on.
Once I was a little kid freezing in an ice storm tired to a tree as the storm raged as I prayed , “ Jesus when does my real life start cause this here life isn’t no life for a little kid”
This is my new start life I prayed for “ Diary of Jane”
I look as I should now that the healing has almost completed, and I giggle laughing at all the stupid stuff while eating candy on my break at lunch. I no longer throw or give away my stuff I guess this is what they call a New Start. Some things never change.
THE DARK WITCH : “The only control you have is the delusional belief that you have control." A priest molests over 50 children in duration of 20 years and the Catholic church kept quiet provided protection for those monsters. Yet people still go to the Golden Gowned nest of perversion to pray with the lying clowns. Forever faithful never questioning as innocent children are raped and set aside to be forgotten. These are not the Lord's chosen leaders they are the real evil pretending to be religious living in the richest city in the world Rome with gold wealth stashes and silken fabric to rub against their polluted crotches. They mock what Jesus stood for and people flock to the stench of Rome as shit trails fill their nostrils to pray to the modern Satan. We save ourselves we are ourselves we live where the werewolves dwell. Sleep, sleep the deeper so I can reach inside your R.E.M grey to comfort you Be encouraged these are the days of the dark witch who loves you
Guardian Angel protect me near and far spread your wings to protect all I love these days of weakness pride cast a large shadow against the Lord's light.
Lucid Dreaming: He whispers that I visited him in his sleep. He speaks transfixed alive, I have heard this from so many before, is this the Dark Witch?
KARMA FEASTS ON THE GUILTTY
Intentional Gains: Her desperation is almost palpable her sunken jawed face locked in she looks way beyond her years. Karma has a way of fixing all wrongs I sip my ginger green tea slipping off my new worn gym shoes, shaking my head in amazement as she looks like an ugly demon fitting her outside matches her inside matched matchie don't forget to tie your shoes. I am in between them I slide inside the bed sheets between them in the day and after dark I am inside her head as she believes what her drugs whisper to her. I am purring having done nothing wrong but I am inside their marriage locked inside and every memory they share will include me. As she grasps for anything to justify what she had done there is no escaping her own karma as it rots inside her. I am the innocent one harmed as her face sinks further in daily from her lies and years of drugs she looks like any other meth addict on the streets she acts insane maybe it's because I am there in between them daily. Karma warps her mind. Does she know he has never left my side?
And he is
You might have good thoughts about me and why not? I am great person but every memory I have of you is laced with the humiliation of knowing you played me and my struggle for a new life. How you behind the scenes lying about me . Blame yourself I remember all happy about new shoes telling my fake bestie millionaire. I never considered his money I thought he was my friend. I was humiliating myself didn’t know it, I didn’t understand the game here in LA . All the while he was laughing at me and my new 90.00 dollar shoes
THEN: Flashback Holiday Roundup
Remember when your crazy sister in law took you all around Hollywood trying to find anyone who would consider dating you? ha ha ha ha selling you like the burden you were and are NOW ? You are the joke of Hollywood known as " Dog Boy" the sell out. People took your weakness and made it media profitable because MY God why is she with you? I mean ? Laughter echoes at you ha ha ha ha Now you have to defend your pride on gossip sites cause you are just that pointless. You blame the people who post BUT never the spiders who put you there to be a FOOL You never questioned WHY? WHY you? Because any other REAL man would not have let anyone beg for a date for him NOR let some old has Hollywood humiliate him on social media, and smirk behind their back. SO how does it feel to get what YOU gave others? And when you are faced with the truth you hide, run, deny, but never ever look into the mirror of your own choices, and how you have been used by the very people you call "family" . I did not do this THEY did
Here and Now:
Never thought your other “ job” would be defending yourself on the gossip sites right? You don’t think they didn’t know that would happen after ALL the years they have been in Hollywood? And it’s my fault? ok stupid
THE STAR FUCKER: I watched as he is smirked at read the posts of terrible comments, I smile everything he tried to do and say to me is now his curse as people remark on everything from his personal appearance to his lack of fame . I remember his words to me , " hurry up and get famous so I can associate with you", said so causality leaving an invisible burn. The comments people make are so funny right to point and true, all he once stood for is gone, he stands a fat old looking bloated fool.
IT'S YOU NOT ME He said I wasn't good enough, not pretty enough not talented enough to make it, Is that when I started to hate him? I think so but maybe it was when I learned of his mocking me behind my back with friends apparently famous enough? I watched him boast about all his fame listened to him brag about his money and reading these posts about him now is his karma times three. No one likes him No one knows of him only that he is not good enough, rich enough OR normal looking enough all the horrid things he once said to me. He uses people he calls friends erases those who has no use for anymore and chases after any thing with fame and money. He is now her dog boy, to be ridiculed for her need for media attention knowing fully that no one would ever accept him she could control him as he is the " star fucker" a person who has no real friends. He tries to come back to me ? yet the third time complaining all about me threatening to leave and I laugh at him because one day he will understand what he lost in me. I just do not care anymore I question what I ever did see in him? He is dirty looking, yellow teeth, foul mouth, sleeping with one of the dirtiest women in the country his prize a meth mouth drunkard. They fit together nicely. I am more disgusted by my lack of judgement then I am of anything. I am free of all that was before refreshed and confident like never before. It's over finally.
Splashing cool water on my face so thankful I did not cry last night as that results in my eyes swollen as if every tear decided to stay behind my eyes instead of falling. Looking up into the mirror the good angel that rests on my ego left whispers," how long do you think you can keep living like this and it not show on your face darling?" Closing my eyes into the soft green towel a rush of memories flash a rapid fire of events from the last four years. Zoom there goes my leaving Florida hurting my family, zooming I view my husbands death news. Final view zips past my house in Florida left behind for me to never see again I see the lake almost feel the heat. Pulling the towel from my face I answer myself " at what point do I not comprehend I am alone with all my life choices?" Living the lost weekend every weekend sitting down to write this in my tiny loft with everything I wanted the bed needs to be made, tea is ready. Memories can be the burden and the excuse. I remember one early summer day the mist still hanging in the air gave the opportunity for the rising sun to show each detail of the spider webs that enclosed the entire exclusive neighborhood. I drove through the horror movie setting slowly coming home from the night shift at hospital gripping the steering wheel, "this has become my life a huge spider web and I am the food for my husbands life lust". An animal in the wild will chew its own foot off to escape a trap, as I pulled into the driveway of our new home huge spiders hung on garage door. I put my head down on the steering wheel cursing myself for creating this real life horror show, I had to get out or I would be eaten alive.
That is how I remember my Florida home.
There are some aspects of living alone that I have come to appreciate like only buying the food I like and very little dishes. I am to be naked in my loft curtains closed of course as I am very comfortable minus the constriction of fashion. My loft is a mixture of colors and styles I refuse to buy anything expensive saving my money for film work. I find myself pulling away from my work in comedy although my writing is in full blast zone got to get it down completion. My film work and videos consume most of my free thinking and I was again at club Exchange shooting pictures of the show. I love the drive of the music with the lights pulsing the beat I am transfixed as I watch the colors dance above the crowd. My private life is sheltered by my need to have that space just to create as I drop men like some fat people drop food wrappers, there is always another. I refuse their needs as I have my own, and that is always interesting as they cry battling me to reconsider. I look at them and mumble " I never promised you anything nor we were anything more than this" and that sends them over the top. I resent the implication that I was less than honest and remind them of my exact verbiage . One would think people could not argue facts but indeed they swat those little pieces of juicy fruit life fillers away insisting all we shared was in fact a relationship.
Sometimes I think about the book " Looking for Mr. Good Bar" and then nope it does not apply to me but still her hunt for the good lay could be found in my life crushing other's hopes? Other times I think about the book " Dragon riders of Pern" and how I fucking wish a giant dragon would bond with me and we could fly the city skyline giving life the naughty finger.
I look down at Sparky the feral pussy who insists on sharing my writing chair he is now huge and still wild in many ways. I appreciate that and laugh at he bites at people's feet . Sparky cuddles next to me and sleeps well we all need contact and love.
Seeing a guy who is pointless and that my darlings is perfectly worthwhile and i don't care about his life or his goals. Where does he live? I haven't a clue as we meet at a concert in the VIP area his light blue eyes taking me in, and it goes from there.
Indifference taste like a kiss full of tears.
People see and hear what they want. Excuses are like a twinkie not fully full of the sweet cream center, dry. The gloves snap as my friend pulls back from examining my love canal stating " everything looks great Bonnielynn so tell me how's the sex?" Closing my legs and pulling myself up I giggle " not really there yet " I hate that damn paper gown it's so medical. We have been friends since first meeting when I was a bubbling crying idiot widow, she took me under her wing. I like that she tells me straight I need that more than any medicine as I respond to the realness of factual.
So bring it hard clear.
Last years cancer scare was a mad hatters ride into possible death and what is really frightening is that I at times welcomed the possibility. My doctor friend places the obtained samples into her lab container, " so how about lunch next week?" I nod sitting there with my chin in my hand leaning forward. She spins the swivel chair to face me " what's up kid?" oh I have to answer this ? She continues " you know it's ok to go out and have sex there is no crime in that Bonnielynn find a great guy and just do him " I nod this is getting weird.
Sex sign on the dotted line.
I look at my friend who had gone through a divorce last year and I asked " and what about you any Blessings?" laughing she nodded ," Bonnielynn I remember being that person who just had to be married to have a life everyone said I should have . Now I am divorced and no way would I get married again. So yes I just enjoy a few special guys using protection of course", there it is she threw in the safe sex lecture while explaining herself, props.
Moisture is wet.
I just look at her nodding, like how do I explain any of the stupid life I have created? She knows but I don't want to talk with her about it anymore or with anyone for that matter. I am tired of my own story.
Tea and toast.
Can one cheat on love that never happened and never will?
See I can clearly define weird and own it .
I see myself ice skating in my hand me down shared with elder sister cause it was my turn to skate. My little girls feet enclosed in plastic bread bags to keep them dry because wet can mean frozen toes. No fun in that peapod frozen toe delight. I spin on my toes raising my hands that have socks for mittens and look up at the stars in the Michigan winter sky, my breath floats around the cold dark night . I think that is a Peter Pan sky and happiness was mine right there in that moment and I often think on it.
Time to come in Bonnielynn.
My mother pulls the near frozen ice skates off my feet " Bonnie girl I told you to come in! Why do you not mind me girl? " pulling the socks and bread bag off my feet that are pale white with frozen tip of my toes. She rubs them between her warm hands ," Bonnielynn your feet are ice!" I nodded thinking the ice was great tonight. How could I tell her I was Peter Pan soaring across the stars looking for never going to find land? She placed my feet in a warm bucket of water giving me hot tea. Grand Mary's voice joins in "leave the girl alone if she had fun let her be her feet will be fine". Every kid should have a Grand Mary who say the purposefulness of play dance fun. That sometimes fun is worth the pain resulted.
Sitting at my desk writing the tall blue eyed danger got up from the couch to pull me away from my work kissing the length of my neck. His hands are rough and he smiles with his eyes a talent not lost on me and let those hands roam. Picking me up to have me sit on his lap like a little girl he pulls off my robe sighing, " there it is that body" time slips into letting him as I enjoy. Play fun is fun fun times. He stands as I take in his body thinking not much just eye dancing around the body candy. Pulling on his shirt ," I want to introduce you to my friends Bonnielynn and Halloween is our time right?" I nod just enjoying how my body feels.
Please stop talking.
I want to go away for Halloween weekend and I still might.
Back in my friends doctors exam room I tell her about the blue eyed danger and she laughs " about freaking time girlfriend get out there and live" I don't tell her that he means very little to me and I want to ask " is this being a grown up ? this detachment?" She stands to exit "remember next week lunch we will really talk call me later if you want to go out for drinks" I laugh my yes. My friends are perfect, I am not. So many aspects in this grown up life. Too late to ask for refund.
The ghost are quiet.
He wrote ," You think you mattered more than you did and it did not matter to me. I fucking hate you and stay out of my shit"
The lies of a stalker.
I discovered he had been undercover fake follower with me for how long? Yes Alice the rabbit hole is just around the corner. His hatred clearly detailed and not unbelievable . I consider that. I am confused ? If he had everything he needs? Why be with me? I am sure I am not the crazy one. But wait there is more. I do not trust the life I have made if people are not real ? What is real?
His anger full throttle as if I had been the one? I think " go back to your wife the one you married right? Remember her?" and I want to vomit as the seas become a storm of untruths. I cry into a voice thread all the pain of the past year, yep over a half hour of my sobs. I know how to be sexy never doubt it.
What? Where? and why mother pucker just why?
He writes about his drug use and drinking as if it was vitamins and cherries. Talking around me and not to me. Sub tweeting not to ME he states there are others " dumbshits just like you" I nod but he cannot see that as it is the internet.
Weird gets weirder .
So I am letting go moving on but I don't know what course to sail I feel like the air will not support any direction at all. His hatred clear like heat of fire and it burns me as I accept it all like a donkey hitched to a huge bundle that raises the front legs into the air. I don't tell anyone. I think what more do I have to suffer ? Is not leaving ME alone an impossibility? His anger from my lifting the blanket on his secret life internet fun circus ride. I never agreed to it why should I be a part of his lies to his wife? Never make a promise you cannot keep. Ties that bind are like a robe burn.
This ride is no longer fun.
I drank champagne last night like a drowning person, I gulped till i was dizzy felt the room spin the colors blended . If he drinks should I find out what the fun is about? I felt my head spin and knew I had to go home before I fell down and that is not attractive . I headed out of the club people talking to me waving "hello there Bonnielynn" yes hello I waved and hurried to the exit to flag a cab. Entering my loft I stripped off my clothes crashed on to the soft bed waking with a sick feeling. There goes the day. I splashed my face brushing my teeth thinking about the drinks last night. I feel sick and the room spins I go to make coffee Sparky needs to be fed.
There needs to be an end before the start.
I think this is how it starts and all I have worked for will be lost if this behaviour continues and that is the aspirin that clears my head. Blaming him. I was off twitter for a random mistake but I blamed him and why not? He carries every hurt and disappointment in my heart so why not? He says he is patient and I think he is cruel. He calls me bad names and I do the volley back. This is not who I am and I am allowing this into my thought process.
Sipping my tea. I sit down to write and soon I will feel better. Twitter was all I had when I had nothing I cannot take any more of his hate. I cannot take any more of my need for this half life I started. He blames me. I do too.
advice from the dead
I went to Cassadaga and I brought back a friend I call him and Angel he’s been with me all my life Sometimes I get mad accused him of lying and treachery but I know that’s not true because everything that is told me as happens as he said it would, When I’m afraid I take it out on him he always loves me. I don’t ask to talk to others that’s not my place I just ask about what is to be an every day that can change based on the dynamics of life. He said I would be here in California that I would be happy and I am I wasn’t going to come but he said I would be safe he doesn’t lie to me he: protect me guides me inspires me loves me was there when I was in trouble as a child he was never once a human form he’s never once lied to me
Yes but wait a day :
The Spirit says that he’s a good man wants me to open up my heart to him again every time I ask the same answer and I know It will be the same He doesn’t know how to just love one he’s mean and crude limited in his baths. But I share something with him common background comfort. I sense in him part a of me that is wild carnal free I call him the Beast but he’s more gentle then I Spirit says to forgive him I had a reading with my husband and I asked all sorts of questions I asked about this one but he said he’s a “good one” . I asked my late husband if I should proceed. I question whether he liked being dead and he said “ yes “ I said that he’s been with everyone if you look at a picture of a woman he’s been there. I don’t trust because I know how he is my pride at times is hurt by the mere thought, has he changed I don’t think so and I don’t think he intends on it. I won’t survive another one of his childish games So I just move forward Spirit never lied to me and every question I’ve ever asked he has spoken the truth . It’s time I start living again. I worry about him I want to defend him like before: Yellow:
One day I was moving into my new apartment by the ocean I took out the last little bit out of my car I looked up into the night sky and I saw one brilliant star I took a picture of it I said, “ this is our star because we saw it together it will bring us strength “ yet he was miles away. he was my yellow When I was little I used to think that the trees could speak to me , I saw them is individuals a collective greenery family.
memories are sweet as candy coated thoughts pirate secret treasure some journeys are done bury those sweetness memories like a Pirates treasure chest enjoy them as we need to bury very deep in the sand . sail sail sail on brave Pirates Journey adventure awaits
Diary of Jane
The start of a new diary a new thought process the illness of the past over