Sparky the LA loft kitten pulls instantly at the bed cover, one of the few costly items in my loft, I slowly open my eyes to meet his light blue grey vision orbits, " good day Sparky", so the day begins. I wonder why cats do that in front of your feet death cheat nearly killing their parents especially those of us with eyes just near morning shut. I am almost airborne landing in small kitchen, " thanks Sparky cause with out that I would hardly wake the day", he is unaware that my life just danced in front of my eyes, frankly disturbing. I fill his plate with his favorite food and run the near dead coffee maker, sipping my caffeine fix I think about the day ahead, my goals for the day list. I have been like this since childhood when I fully understood I was cheated and life fvcked right out of normal to settle into ugly weird and desperate poor. Since age four or close to that tender age I understood I had to take charge and if that meant I climbed up on chairs to do it ? So be it.
PENCIL ME INTO MY LIFE:
It was early as I sat down to write as I had planned in my schedule, then work at hospital for eleven hours to return home for tea then run off to gym. This routine is not breached as my goals are not dedicated to anyone's needs but my own, and I will not alter them unless an emergency occurs. Family calls and we discuss many topics one being the anniversary of my wedding to my late husband, I feel weird but hiding it as weird people can do if practiced . That was another life time of a person that no longer lives except in the minds of those who are comforted by that delusion, and why I left Florida, so I would not be the " widow" a concept more idealistically weirder than me. Frankly I felt detached from that life time ago and some where only she knows I bet my Grand Mary is laughing at her daughter. I would too if I weren't me.
My mother often sent me to the store along with my older sister Laura Jean, who was and still is a shy withdrawn personality with self depreciating facts based on not a thing that ever had any substance. It was winter and my mother needed something for my baby brother and she pinned it to my little red coat, I thought "adults humiliate children with their concepts of what they think we don't know" I sighed. My mother's response to my audible expression, " Bonnie girl do not act like you won't get distracted by some thing that takes your imagination away resulting in your forgetting what I needed you to purchase, and sit up straight girl you are short enough", I nodded thinking " oh boy, thanks mum " while placing my hands inside bread bags then the socks which took place of real mittens. I was confident the Lord did not mean for my childhood to be so misguided as I stood in our tiny kitchen looking like a Goodwill mixed combo of the clothes no one wants.
We lived in a country setting where there miles between some homes and we walked to the nearest grocery mart in the deep snow the note on my coat flapping around, we did not talk much as Laura Jean was not one to let her thoughts be known, some people need that mental space.
We arrived at the store covered in snow with red faces my sock mittens were frozen which made the bread bags hard, I pulled the door to the store open feeling the warmth hug my face, the snow that covered me started to melt. Laura Jean followed behind as we looked for the item requested by our mother, we walked up and down the aisles, and then up above the drug counter I saw the item. I thought , " how strange to put an item up so high, and it had what looked rubber bands holding it secured, looking around I found a chair , of course . Laura Jean just stood there as I went about my task dragging the chair and climbing up to pull on the item boy it was tied down well, but I managed to almost free it, when I heard, " what the hell are you doing up there?" I froze and turned my head slowly towards the deep angry voice. A tall guy stood behind the counter scowling at me, " those are samples not for purchase get down from that chair", I looked down at Laura Jean who had her head down, and I let go of the item which was held back by one rubber band causing it to snap back like a rocket knocking down the display.
Store items flew about my head I felt a thud on top of my head that did not hurt but only added to my public embarrassment, " get down off that chair you idiot, and get out of my store" I scrambled down and said, " I need that for my mum" and handed him the now wet note once pinned to my coat. He held it by the edges as if I had urinated on it prior to handing it to him, Laura Jean hid behind me, mumbling , " there you go again Bonnielynn getting us in trouble!!", ignoring her I put the money on the counter. The tall guy took my mum's money as he rung up the total placed the item in a bag, leaning down to me, " now you get out of here and do not touch anything more ", I never dropped my gaze, taking my purchase I walked towards the exit, touching everything I could.
WAIT FOR ME:
Curiosity is an driving condition of the clueless as I opened the door to my loft I let in a friend who I found interesting in his idealist lazy concepts of life, I mean was I wrong about life? I have never in my life tried any sort of self medicating substances all I knew about was working to support my family starting at age thirteen.
We talked and laughed, and as he pulled out the pipe he used, " you said you want to try so I brought you some" , I looked up at him and his eyes danced as if he held the secret to life, perhaps for him it was? I shrugged why not just try it once so I went to stand in the kitchen next to him, he held the flame to the bowl and told me to inhale, and I did as directed. I felt nothing, and stated so , " wait Bonnielynn give it chance" laughing at me, and I waited and still felt nothing. I said ," I know I did not inhale deep enough ", my tall friend heated the bowl again placing it in front of me, I took in a long deep inhale instantly my throat burned and I started coughing. Gasping I thought, what a way to die like an alley cat in my luxury apartment loft, idiot. I drank cold water and stopped my near death experience coughing as my friend held my shoulders, " Bonnielynn that was too much" , I looked up and the room was fuzzy and feeling strange displaced like going into a dream dark shadow hole. I fell across my bed to crawl into a sitting position like a child I saw the other side of the loft light up as if it were a sunny day and not 2:00 AM , downtown LA time, I was transfixed. My friend was pulling on my dress , " Bonnielynn just go with it, I am here", I nodded as the I watched a man about thirty years old at a desk dressed in late 1960's fashion,he was happiness as he worked. He turned to look at me saying , " I am coming too wait for me" ,I sat watching him my eyes huge in wonderment, I did not answer, it was if I was looking in on him in his current day life event, and he saw me. I felt soft kisses on my bare back, and hands pulling me downward, " Bonnielynn you are so funny come here little girl", I let him pull me down towards his hunger. I heard a loud insisting voice, " I said for you to wait I am coming too", and I knew he would not shut up until I answered him, " ok mister if you want to" , I heard a mans laugh in my ear, " yes Bonnielynn I want", I drifted away like, a replay of Rosemary's baby drug scene. I did not hear him leave.
The next morning I woke stretching I felt perfect like I had the best sleep ever, and remembered the night before, sitting up pulling my robe around my body, I went to make coffee, fight off Sparky , sipping coffee I received a text, " you are so cute " , my friend had sent with smiley faces, I raised my coffee mug, " yep that's me cute" , I shrugged I wanted to try and I did, frankly just too weird to want to try again.