I moved around the nurses who were crying as one was leaving our unit, thinking " this is awkward", I exited the door pulling it open, " yeah tears I remember those", hugging my expensive sweater from my former life closer around my neck as the Los Angeles cold moved in to invade all my warm body spots. Life is hard when you have to change as I thought back on the nurse who's tears told a story I did not have to know her to understand, " chin up ", is all that I would have thought to say, so I said nothing at all. Even when it's "cold " in LA, its still a summer's early start in Michigan.
I sat looking at proofs of the films shots I download to my phone so I could decide if I wanted to keep or file away on my lunch break, nurses entered the break room talking about some meal they planned on cooking, I put my earphones in to listen to new music I discovered. After a few moments I felt a tap on my shoulder, I looked up and a huge jar of peanut butter was placed in front of me, I laughed, my new friend stood behind me, " thought you might be hungry Bonnielynn?" , sitting down next to me, I had liked her right away on my first day ,as she was friendly and very bossy, I laughed openly at her which caught her off guard, making her laugh too. I am weird and she accepts this as if it was just another comment on a bad weather day, I feel comfortable around her, pushing my tea cup towards her, " care for a slurp?" she takes a sip , " shit Bonnielynn that is strong as coffee!" , she stands up " we are getting busy again", I sigh " cool beans just point me where you need I am down", I raise my cup of tea in her direction.
Make it matter again:
I go to the gym everyday not because I want to be a super power anything, it's just I love to exercise, always have, last week finding myself late for a class I put my heavy nurses bag across my shoulders and ran crowded downtown Los Angeles seven blocks, it felt wonderfully freeing. I forgot why I had stopped running and promised myself I would start again soon, making sure to bind my large breasts for comfort as I had today in anticipation for boxing class. I rushed into class like a late child nodding at the instructor and pulling off my jacket, " let's do this ", and started punching into the air, this is me, this is in the now. All my extra money goes into my film equipment and editing, and as I look around my apartment at photos from my past life, I think, " thank you Jesus for all of my journeys because I am here doing work that makes all the pointless fade away, like yesterday's ghost. My friend comes over for tea, " hey you still keeping all the clean dishes in dishwasher, why don't you put them away?", I pause from my editing to look at him to ask, " tell me why it matters?", pouring hot water into his cup he shrugs, " I guess it doesn't ?" I sigh, expectations of life and how it should be will destroy but I do not say that I don't feel the need to share. It used to matter but the dishes are just not my priority in life anymore, " so tell me the news and no fake news either ", I stop working and stretch as Sparky the #DTLA feral cat greets my friend.
Dig it Daddy
This ain't no disco it's Hollywood: Show your ass up on Instagram and you will become a star? Some sort of glamorized pre porn opportunity awaits the non-talented who dream of becoming a star? I stopped posting photos of me to mix in with my film work, it's one or the other but not both, and I never saw myself as anything but, " Bonnielynn", I am more than a picture of the self posing in an awkward way. I did not come to LA to be anything but what I am and I stopped looking up at the stars in the sky believing in wishing as if that would make anything come true.